Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

It's been a while since I've tuned into myself and my thoughts. Since being back to work I find the days passing me by without a hint of slowing down. There's just not enough hours in the day to achieve all I would like (which truly is no surprise).

So as I make time for myself, I find my thoughts racing in every direction. Work, home and the never ending to do list. Each bringing emotions that are sometimes overwhelming.

The biggest hurdle in this chapter has been adjusting to my new job.  This has definitely not been easy. Almost every part of it has been unchartered territory and I've never had such a big learning curve to overcome. The fact that I didn't receive proper training was also a contributor to that sinking feeling. To be brutally honest - there were days when I just wanted to crawl under my desk and wait for it all to be over.
Sad, I know. It took a lot of self motivation and persistence to gain my confidence back. But the good news is... I did it. I've still got a lot to learn but I'm well on my way. The confusion that plagued me has turned into confidence and that's such a good feeling.

Home life has also done a 360. My nights include a 75 minute drive home, picking up the kids from daycare, feeding them and myself, 30 minutes of play and then we start the bedtime routine.  Once the kiddies are snuggly tucked in I start the clean up process.  Dishes, the table and chairs, toys all over the place.  After that, I can pack my lunch for the next day and finally take a shower.

Then it all starts over again the next day.  Monday to Friday.

But there is hope.  And it comes in the form of a weekend.  This two day "vacation" from work can sometimes be hard to navigate.  I find myself looking for the balance between what needs to get done and what really needs to get done.
There's always chores to do but my children need me more than I need to scrub the toilettes. But then again, how long is too long when pushing aside my domestic duties?  So I've come up with a plan and started putting it into action.  I get the kids to help.

Now, I know this is going to take a while before it really catches on, but I can see it taking shape.  This past weekend I was in real need of vacuuming.  The kids were not making this easy for me as they kept bringing out more toys as I was trying to clear a path for the vacuum.  The solution was for me to "plow" through it all.  And Pauly did not like this.  I think maybe he was unsure if his toys were going to get sucked up and be lost forever.  So I asked him nicely to move them all before the vacuum got too hungry.  Eurika!  He was helping me clean.  Then when it came time to mop, I made exaggerated movements with sound effects.  Yet agin he found this to look like fun so, I offered him the mop.  And he used it!
So for the last few days I've been trying to come up with chores for him.  Small, non essential things that could possibly set up the basis for accomplishing helpful tasks.  He is distracted easily, doesn't always listen and proclaims NO quite often.  But sometimes I do get "Pauly do it."

Hurray!

9 to 5

I had an older friend who once told me that she and her husband had agreed to not have children if it wasn't possible for her to be a stay at home mom.  They both came from large families so there were always plenty of nieces and nephews to love as their own.  And this worked for them.

As for me, I don't think I could have made that decision.  To chose between having or not having children based on who was caring for them during the day would have broken my heart.  I would have loved it if I could stay home but I know Paul and I would be better able to provide for them if I went back to work.  So Monday was my first day back.

Let's face it, even if you live on the bare necessities, it still costs a lot to keep food on the table and a roof over your head.  Then toss in some children and it becomes a whole new ball game.  Although daycare is't free, most families would agree that it still makes more financial sense for both parents to work.

Of course it's not all about money.  There's the social aspect of it.  Pauly loves playing with other kids and now has another little boy his own age to play with every day.  Riley was a little more timid and very attached to me and has adapted surprisingly well over the last two weeks.  She has definitely come out of her shell.

Then there's routine, which wasn't always the case while I was home.  Snack time, lunch and naps were pretty much on schedule, but there were days where I had too much to catch up on so the outings and fun activities were almost non-existent.  At daycare there's always a theme and corresponding activities, indoors and out.

So as the days go by I'm left reminiscing.  No more afternoon naps (when I got a chance), no more lounging in PJ's on rainy days and no more walks in the park on sunny afternoons.

Epilogue

I wanted my next post to be about Riley's 1st birthday but since I haven't gotten around to downloading pictures off my camera, I'm going to share some great news I got early last week. NO...I'm not pregnant.

 I thought October 9th would be my first day back at work. I was mentally preparing for it but as it turns out, that day will come later rather than sooner. Yay! And you may be wondering how I managed more time off but it really wasn't me. Not entirely anyways. I knew I had 3 weeks of vacation left once I went back to work. I was planning on taking some of it during Christmas but I was told this wasn't going to happen as all the available spots had been taken. That left me with two options.
1. Keep my vacation for emergencies and take the payout if I didn't use it by the end of the year. Or,
2. Tack it onto the end of my maternity leave.

 As I've said before, sometimes money isn't worth more than time. Luckily I now get to have my cake and eat it too. An extra 3 week at home with my babies, and a full paycheck.

 So now my official first day of work will be October 29th. I can hope and pray there will be another excuse for me to stay home longer but, I won't be holding my breath.

24 Weeks Pt.2

As I sit here and think of the past week I realize that my maternity leave is quickly coming to an end. My first day back at work will be June 20 and it's creeping up on me fairly quickly. To tell the truth, I'm not looking foreword to it. Mostly because things weren't ideal when I left and I don't know what I'll be going back to. The actual job is great but procedures and job responsibilities will probably be different and I'm not sure I'm going to like the new set up. The two things keeping me optimistic are
#1 - I'll only be there for 3 months before I'm off for another year.
#2 - I don't have to deal with dayshift bullshit (I'll be back on an afternoon shift).

What's kept me from thinking of work is Pauly's 1st birthday. It's 2 weeks away and I just sent out invites a couple of days ago. What's on the agenda you ask? Some time at the local park, including a simple splash pad, playground, a small beach, and lots of grassy field to run about in. Then lunch back at our house followed by cake and presents and of course...PICTURES!!!! I'm sure Paul will love playing with all his cousins and stuffing his face with cake...lol. But let's face it, this party is more for Paul and I than it is for Pauly.

On a completely different note, I've been really coveting a diaper sprayer. I've always thought I'd be using one once Pauly started solids but I haven't yet. Mostly because our upstairs bathroom is non-exsistant. With only one toilet located downstairs, it'll be inconvenient to go all that way just to clean a poopy diaper. I can sense the question that's rolling around in you head right now...so what do you do with the poop now? Well, I use a disposable liner. And even though I've been doing this for roughly 6 months, I'm getting tired of it. For more than one reason.
#1 - It makes more garbage for the landfill, which probably wouldn't have bothered me before Pauly was born but being "green" is something I think about since deciding cloth diapers was the way to go.
#2 - I could have paid for it with all the money I've been spending on disposable liners.
#3 - They stay wet so the fleece lining in my pocket diapers are redundant. This causes Pauly to get diaper rashes occasionally.
So in conclusion, I think I'll be getting one in the near future and just putting the diaper pail in the bathroom. Or I could use 2 diaper pails, one next to the diaper station for wet diapers and one in the bathroom for soiled diapers. I'll still keep the liners for outings though, that way I won't have to carry poopy diapers in the wet bag.
And finally, with only 16 weeks left until this lil' bean arrives I'm feeling a lot more movement. He/she is now the length of an ear of corn and weighs just over a pound. REM sleep is present when the lil' bean isn't dancing about and it may include dreams. The bones of the inner ear are starting to harden so all the noises outside the womb will be familiar and there'll be no need to worry about the barking dog or the train. He/she is gaining a little more fat and the lungs have started to develop surfactant. This will allow them to expand once he/she is born and there's also blood vessels forming in them. White blood cells have started production in order to fight infections and diseases and the brain is growing quickly. Fingernails are now completely formed and eyelashes have started to grow.

35 Weeks

Time is really flying now. I can't believe my lil' guy will be here so soon. I'm not scared or worried, but I am curious about the whole labour and delivery thing. Sometimes I try to picture what it will be like and the first thought that comes to mind is me breathing like mad, in some awkward position, trying to alleviate the worst pain I've ever felt. And that might not be too far from the truth but it sure is kinda funny to me...for now.

I've got 3 more weeks left of work but I'm not the only one counting down the days. Gail works the day shift and unfortunately she's going on short term disability a week after me because of some surgery she's got to have. Patricia will be her replacement for the 6 - 8 weeks she'll be off. Pat's been with the company for a number of years and knows how to QC but she's been working on the floor at our warehouse for more than a year now. And since she's been gone we've changed how things are done. So she started her training this week and will be working with Gail until she's off. Which is great for Gail because she's having a hard time moving around. Extra help is always appreciated.

This week I saw the midwife again. There was a few routine things we discussed and then she checked my vitals. Blood pressure is still low, my iron levels are good and she took a look at my swelling feet. Although I wasn't worried about it, she did put Paul at ease. He was starting to get worried because they had begun to swell a lot some days. She informed him that this late in pregnancy it was very normal for feet to swell, especially since I worked on my feet. She said that keeping them elevated as much as possible and a massage at the end of the day would do some good to keep the blood circulating. After that she checked on our lil' bean and surprise, surprise...he's still head down, in the same position he's been in for the last two months. His heart rate is good and my fundal height is still normal.

Saturday was our last birthing class and I can officially say that it was a waste of time & money. I should have taken the class as soon as I was out of my first trimester and maybe I wouldn't have been so disappointed. All the stuff we learned, I had already read about. We didn't cover anything different and to make matters worse, she didn't do anything more than just slightly touch on each topic. The only exception was labour and delivery, and even then there wasn't too much info. She never elaborated on the different positions a woman could choose to labour and deliver, and it seemed she was always under the assumption that we were all seeing OBGYN's. Anyways, I'm glad it's over and I can go back to my usual Saturday morning routine...sleeping!

Sunday was mothers day and thanks to Paul I was able to unofficially celebrate it. I wasn't expecting anything and he did surprise me with a pair of earrings. Diamond butterfly studs to be exact. They are beautiful and I have yet to take them off. As for celebrating with my mom, my sister and I took her out for breakfast. We originally wanted to go to the Pancake Factory but when we got there, the line was out the door. Their pancakes are good, but not that good! So we settled on Angel's and decided to go back for pancakes another day.

To finish off the weekend, Paul started moving all his office stuff downstairs. He's got 95% of it down there and it seems to be all organized. This now means we have half a nursery, yay! Hopefully my office will be moved downstairs next weekend and we can start on having a full room for the baby.

Speaking of which, he now weighs as much as a honeydew melon, about 5.25 pounds. His length is over 18 inches and still growing. His kidneys are complete and his liver is processing waste. His fingernails now reach the tip of his fingers and most of his development is complete. He will spend the rest of his time gaining weight. It is getting kinda snug in there so he has stopped his summersaults but hasn't stopped moving. I can feel him stretch his arms, legs and turn his head. I'm enjoying every moment of it too!

27 Weeks

What a week! Much different from last weeks inactivity. I started with a 3 day food log for my midwife. It was something they like to do with moms in order to get a good idea of what they're eating. I agreed to do it but I really don't think 3 days is accurate enough for me. My usual routine is making one to three meals during the work week and rotating them through lunch and dinner. The weekends is when I take extra time for things like roasts and homemade soups. I've decided to add another 3 days to my log and I guess we'll see what the midwife has to say about it next week.

One horrible thing that did happen was the death of my family's dog. Well... technically he belonged to my sister but he stayed with my mom a lot. His name was Maxx and he was a Jack Russell Terrier. We'd had him since I was 15 and he was my first dog. Maxx was such an energetic dog in his younger years and although he still found joy in chasing birds, squirrels and fetching tennis balls later in life, it physically wasn't good for him. He suffered from arthritis in the hips and even when he rushed out the back door to scare the squirrels, he always sauntered back. Sometimes slower than normal. For me it was unexpected and it took me a few hours before it really set in.
My mom had some inkling as to what was going on but it was one of those things where you thought it, but didn't believe it. Maxx had been sick on and off for a week or so, which was not too out of the norm considering his old age. He was having a hard time breathing and walking but the next day he was feeling better. To be sure, my sister had taken him to the vet to see if anything was going on but the only real concern the vet had was that his anal glands were so full they may have burst. She had palpated his ribs and hips and she did hit a sore spot but it didn't seem to worry her. So, to end the visit she expressed the anal glands and they were on their way. A few days later Maxx was having problems walking and didn't want to be touched. Again he got better and things were back to normal.
On the day he died, Maxx was completely not himself. My mom left for work as usual but when she got home Maxx had had an accident in the house. And of course he hadn't done that since he was a pup. She really had to coax him to go outside and it took him a long time to walk to the door. He was asking to be let in about a minute later and again he took his time getting to his bed. My mom went over to rub his belly and he didn't roll over like he usually did. After awhile she went upstairs to get ready to go out and when she came back down, Maxx was whimpering. She noticed he had gotten sick in his bed so once again she went over to comfort him. As she was petting him he just stopped whimpering and stopped breathing. It took my mom by surprise and for a short while she wasn't sure what had happened.
After saying her goodbye's she called my sister & I. Like I said before, it had been a shock to me since I hadn't know Maxx was sick the week before. I wanted to go over and see him for the last time but I couldn't because I was at work. My sister had come right over and together they took Maxx to the pet hospital. He was cremated and will be placed in a pet cemetary with other pets that passed away around the same time.

To continue on a lighter note...my replacement has arrived! Her name is Alex and she started on Wednesday. So far so good! She seems to enjoy the work and is catching on quickly. I think my boss was a little worried that whoever he found was going to end up quitting after the first few days but that doesn't seem likely. We're getting along great so that'll help keep me going these next few months.

I've also interviewed a few doula's this week and that's going well. It's hard to belive that I started off this journey not even knowing labour had "stages", and now I'm in the process of hiring a doula. My entire outlook on pregnancy, birth and having a child has really evolved in the last year or so.

I've been told to expect a lot of clothing for 0-3 months for my baby shower but I just couldn't help myself. As I did the grocery shopping this past weekend I bought my lil' bean two diaper shirts - in blue of course. They are so cute and I keep them hanging in his future closet. Paul likes to go in there a few times a week to look at them. Up next...the coming home from the hospital outfit!

Well, this week my lil' bean is now 14 1/2 inches long and weighs about as much as a head of cauliflower. His brain development will increase and will remain developing quickly through the rest of my pregnancy. All his organ systems are functioning and his eyelids have started to unseal as the retina develops. He is also sleeping and waking in regular intervals, and don't I know it! All that moving around must make him tired.

21 Weeks

I am now on a downhill slope, and good thing it's not a steep one. I predict the next 19 weeks (which sounds long) will go by quickly and be full of "to do" lists. Between Paul & I, we have absolutely nothing ready. Oh, except for being registered at the hospital! But now that Paul's 30th birthday party has come and gone, we can start concentrating on getting the house and ourselves ready for our lil' bean.

We've trashed an old couch, the old bar that was left here and an old coffee table so far this week. And now that that's out of the way, we can go out this weekend to pick up materials for the downstairs closet. After that's been built, I can start putting away some of the odds & ends that have been lurking in awkward spots since we demolished the upstairs closet.

There will be more renovations that need to be done before baby but I won't get into that right now. What's really on my mind is my anatomy ultrasound later this week. I can't wait to see my lil' bean again and hopefully find out if I'm having a boy or girl. And I'll finally get to see all the movement I've been feeling, which has become stronger & more frequent!

Most of the guys at work are also offering their help a little more than they used to. It's nothing too big but they offer to take my garbage out for me, or help me carry supplies back to my room. It's nothing I can't handle at this point but they seem to really want to help so every once in a while I let them.

What I wish someone could help me with is this acid reflux. It doesn't happen every day but at least 3 or 4 times a week. I'm hoping it won't get any worse but who knows. As my lil' bean gets bigger, everything will migrate up and I think I'll be running for the Tums more and more. But I guess it doesn't hurt to hope for the best. And then there's the itchy skin. Winter always does a number to my skin but my growing belly is making it worse. I find myself using lotion everyday, sometimes twice a day. And if I don't...it feels like someone is jabbing me with needles all over. Not a good feeling but the lotion is doing a good job of keeping the needles at bay. I can't wait for some warmer weather. Even though this winter hasn't been too bad so far, the shorter it is, the better!

As the time passes, I find myself thinking about birthing classes and what kind of experience I'd like to have during delivery. At first I thought about a specialized birthing class like Hypnobirthing or the Bradley method but the more I think about it, the more I realize that it's not for me. It's not that I think I can't do it, but I know how I like to procrastinate and all that extra time I'll need to put into a class like Hypnobirthing won't work to my benefit. After talking to Paul about it, and of course he's leaving it up to me, I've decided on a doula and a general information birthing class. I think it'll be the best way for me to reach my goal of an unmedicated delivery. After all, I don't do my own taxes, or fix my own car. I leave that up to the pros. And to me, a doula would be worth her weight in gold. She'll know exactly what to do when the time comes so that I can concentrate on my breathing and staying relaxed. And an extra person around to encourage me can't hurt!

And of course there's my lil' bean, who this week has grown to be the size of a carrot. His/her permanent teeth are still developing and the fat that my lil' bean will need at birth has started to form in places like the chest and neck. He/she will take the next few months to build up enough fat to keep him/her warm. He/she is still practicing swallowing and will continue until birth. As for now, my lil' bean seams to be having fun jumping around and I don't mind it at all.

9 Weeks

Hormones are a bitch. Even PMS isn't this bad. And oddly enough it's work that's been keeping me bent out of shape. I keep telling myself that I'm being too sensitive but mostly I can't help myself. The lady that works the day shift has been having some personal problems and has told me about it. Although I do feel for her situation she makes it hard for me to really sympathize with her because all she does with her negative energy is complain about everything I do. And the thing that really gets to me is she doesn't say a word to me about it. I haven't changed the way I work, or the way I leave our "office" when my shift is over but nothing seems to be good enough for her. I work in a small company so gossip travels fast and that's how I know what's going on. Even though everyone thinks she's overreacting and they are siding with me, I still can't help but feel stressed about it. My coping mechanism is just ignoring her. I usually say hello when I get there and start working right away instead of asking how her day has been. If she starts telling me about stuff I usually just give short answers when a response is expected and I never engage or encourage her to continue. I'm sure she thinks something's up but I know she won't ask me about it and that's all I want. She can keep to her business and I'll keep to mine.

And now I'm going to change the subject before I get all worked up. I've got my midwife appointment on Thursday and I'm really looking foreword to it. I hope it's what I expected.

My lil' bean is almost an inch long now and it's tail is nearly gone. His / her internal sex organs are formed but externally they won't be distinguishable as male or female for another few weeks. And still they won't be able to see the difference in an ultrasound until about 18 weeks. The facial features are becoming more distinct and the tiny teeth buds have started to grow beneath the gums. There's cartilage and bones forming as well as the intestines moving into place. With all these body parts working to become completed I'm sure to be due for some weight gain. So as far as I can tell my pregnancy seems to be progressing normally :)